My brother and I have never been close. Fact. Take it for what it is. It is just the way it's always been. But, lately, I've been feeling that the relationships I've had with my dad and my sister are suddenly fading away as well. I don't even go to my house in SF, because I want to avoid seeing them. I know that it's just going to be uncomfortable and unpleasant, and why would I want to put myself in that situation?
My dad is never home. He never cooks dinner anymore (when I was little, we had family dinners everyday). My brother and I don't talk. My sister and I don't get along. I have nothing to go home to anymore. I realize this, and it's really made me a bitter person. I hate the fact that I feel this way. I don't even go to my weekly Sunday dinners because it, and that makes me even more depressed, because, quite frankly, I miss seeing my grandparents. They are getting old and I want to see them as much as I can, but I haven't in a while. Anger....guilt...sadness....ugh, I feel them all.
Recently, my mom just got me a new car. I know that this will only make my dad angry. Yeah, it's complicated. But deep down, as much as I understand where his anger stems from, it pisses me off that he can't even FAKE being happy for me. I told him about the news on Friday....it's almost Monday and he still hasn't responded to me. He ALWAYS has his phone on him. I know he got the message.
My dad makes no effort to get to know me. He doesn't know me. He gets mad at me for not being truthful with him, not telling him certain things and not being open with him. But he makes it really hard to do these things. He is so opinionated and close-minded - so judgmental. With him, there's no room for debate, no room for compromise. It's his way or the highway.
I have a hard time swallowing the concept of his train of thought. I don't understand it. I don't even bother talking to him half the time...I don't bother trying to reason with him...trying to explain my side of the story and why I chose to do the things I've done. I don't bother. Our conversations are less of a dialogue, more like a monologue. He talks, I bite my tongue. He's so irrational; I've grown tired of fighting it. So much so, that I've suddenly become...homeless.
I was gonna post about my dad, same problem. "You never ask me anything. You never talk to me." Why would I, when it just turns into an argument about why you're right and I'm wrong? While mad at Eric and with no regard for my feelings he says, "I should have never had CHILDREN." I'm sorry, but what did I do contribute to this? Parents. They kept you alive all these years, but also gave you a reason to wish you were dead. Ridics! <3
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